I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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