You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
