Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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