Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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