So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
