I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
