There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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