WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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