he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
