I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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