There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
