my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
