i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
