Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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