Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You're like the curious george of whores
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
