Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
