I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You have to summon your inner elephant
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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