Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
