Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
