All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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