We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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