Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
