I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The Olympian is in my bed
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
