Where did you get a picture of my penis
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
