I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
