Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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