When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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