DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize