You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Never joke about your clitoris.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
