I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
