i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
