my phone needs a breathalizer
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
