this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
