I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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