I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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