Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
