Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
