Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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