You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
