Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Randomize
