God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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