First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
