Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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