I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
