I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
