please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
