First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
