I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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