im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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