i just google imaged poop.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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