Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
