I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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