It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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