Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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