i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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