Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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