I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
