How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
