Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
