So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
